joyful, joyful

when b. came into the living room that morning, i was reading our youngest this book:index

and b. said “maybe someday!” and i said “sooner than you think. like this july. or technically right now, actually”

~

baby #3 is on the way! i’m 9 weeks pregnant today.

i had an ultrasound at 5 weeks, because the doctor thought i was 8 weeks, and we couldn’t see the baby or heartbeat or anything. i cried and cried, thinking that i’d miscarried or was miscarrying. the doctor told me that likely we were just too early, but when i started bleeding a few days later, i felt sick with worry. we were in boston when that happened, the first day there, b. and i on our first trip without the kids since we’ve had kids. i cried for a while and prayed about it and felt like i needed to stop filling in the blanks of what i did not know with death, death, death, and celebrate instead the possibility of life.

so we had a good rest of our trip and on the way back i began getting my normal pregnancy symptoms, sick-oh-so-sick and tired as i could be. i felt a peace then, so when i went in for my actual 8 week ultrasound and dr. m gave me that “is renee going to cry again” look, i told her i was ok, really ok, and i knew the baby was ok too.

and the baby was! there he (or she!) was wiggling like a little gummy bear. a perfectly beating heart, perfect little body. what a miracle. its amazing to see that little couple-inch long baby knowing that next year i’ll be holding that baby in my arms. the best blessing and gift i could receive this year.

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