i’m a week overdue and baby D doesn’t seem overly eager to make her appearance. i expected to go over–i typically do–but with an induction date looming at the end of the week, i’m starting to get nervous. all day i’ve felt this restless anxiety building in me, and i know what it is really about is control.
i’m a firstborn and stereotypical in that (while i have no interest in leading people in doing anything) i do love to be in control of my own stuff. i like to have a schedule and a plan (which is adhered to!), i like a to-do list, i like my ducks in a row.
motherhood has been a sanctifying process that has taken my idol of control and smashed it again and again and again.
having your stuff together looks good and commendable so no one ever really gives me any flack about that; if anything, i get a “good job for being on top of things!” or “how do you do it?” which everyone likes to hear. when i’m in control i can be independent and self-sufficient (and not need other people or community), which is exactly the way my natural self likes it (but not so good for my spiritual self).
some moms don’t start to learn that they can’t control their little people until they have two or three of them running around, but, thankfully, God started working on me early when Z wouldn’t breastfeed (no matter how perfectly i followed EVERY book and lactation consultant) and, after many many nights of crying and failing, i put her on formula.
i wish that i could say that that one aspect of mothering my first child was enough to teach me that all MY littles are born persons belonging to God (not me), but its one of those idols that i keep rebuilding and God keeps tearing down.
guess what? no matter how much i research and how hard i try, i can’t perfectly control how fast my child catches on to breastfeeding, potty training, reading; what allergies/ food sensitivities / colic she’s born with; if she’ll have learning disabilities, difficult personality quirks, tantrums, physical disabilities; if she’ll come to faith in Christ one day; if she’ll make mistakes, sin in big embarrassing ways, break things i can’t fix…
and i certainly can’t control when this baby is going to be born. if she needs to come on friday when i’m induced, then i know God is in control of that and it is his plan. so i’m praying that i can let go of my fear and anxiety about it and let go of this idea that if i just make the Right and Perfect birth plan decision she’ll be born Right and Perfect. Because none of us are.