you’re just jealous

At church there’s a beautiful baby girl always a row or two in front of us that sleeps and nurses and peeks around over her mom’s shoulder. Her perfect almond eyes and dark hair make me so happy and so sad. I’ve been but won’t be (this time) the tired mom fumbling with a nursing cover in service to feed the baby before she starts squalling. I’ve been but won’t be the mom pacing the back of the room to put her back to sleep, wrapping her up tight in a blanket against me.

Another heart mom asked online the other day, in our private group of heart moms, how to keep from feeling jealous of other moms with healthy babies and expecting healthy babies.

Sometimes I do feel jealous of problems like ear infections and broken arms and snotty noses vs problems like missing pieces of a heart, of a chromosome. I’m still mourning what I expected us to have–another girl, keeping up with the rest, not hospital stays and scars down the center of her chest. I’m not a first time mom–I know exactly what we are missing.

When I feel that gnawing sick feeling creeping into my heart, I let myself feel it for a little while, because it is Ok to feel things, the feeling is valid and true and normal. Then, with a lot of prayer and, when needed, repentance, I let it go.

God calls us to take every thought captive (2 Cor. 10:5)–otherwise the thoughts will take us captive, surely–so I take it captive and replace it with thankfulness. I have four beautiful healthy daughters, a husband who fears the Lord and loves me, a home, and so many other things. Baby Kit isn’t even born yet and I know that I have never been a more thankful, loving and tender mother to my little ones and wife to my husband than before her diagnosis.

I can’t help but sometimes hold one of the girls tight and hear her heart beating so strong and so healthy and thank God for it. I would have never wished for Kit to be born with a broken heart, and if I could change it now, then I would, but God never promised me five perfectly healthy children or an easy tear-free life. I’ve been studying the Psalms with a friend and one refrain it says over and over again–God’s love for us is a Steadfast Love and He is faithful. In four weeks, baby Kit will be born, and Bryan and I will go through the hardest time of our lives; I wish we didn’t have to, but at the same time I know that I need to trust God with my heart as much as I am trusting Him with Kit’s.

“The will of God is never exactly what you expect it to be. It may seem to be much worse, but in the end it’s going to be a lot better and a lot bigger.” -Elisabeth Elliot

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